Sunday, October 4, 2015

8 Sentence Sunday - October 4

I didn't post an eight sentence Sunday from last weeks 8 Sentence Sunday on Dieselpunks. First is last weeks and then this weeks. Both are from a story about H.A.Gs (Hermetic Aphrodite Guild). The story doesn't have a title yet.


"There is a small gap between the western mountains, but it would only take the train to the uncivilized world," said Rudiger.
"A train track that just ends and goes nowhere else seems a bit unnatural," said Daisy.
Flint appeared suddenly and announced his arrival by saying, "There’s nothing natural or unnatural about a train. It is a mechanical marvel."
"A bicycle is a natural way to move," said Daisy.
Rudiger smiled."Steam is natural and steal is made from materials from the ground."
"Steam, steel, and metal are not alive," said Flint shaking his head.
Daisy stared at Flint not sure how to put her feelings about natural and unnatural and how her ideas had nothing to do with alive nor mechanical.


This weeks 8 sentences -


Daisy and Rudiger left the coffee shop and were walking to their bikes when the ground shook beneath them. Rudiger caught Daisy when she stumbled. People stream out of the buildings, looking up and down the street.

A boy came running from the train station and said to the townspeople, "The train is in a hole."

Daisy, Rudiger and the people around them started to run toward the train station.

"Please stay here," Rudiger asked Daisy when they reached the station. Two railroad workers walked the tracks trail towards them. Rudiger approached them.

"A boy said the train is in a hole!?" said Rudiger to the men.


To read more Eight Sentence Sunday excerpts here is the link - 8-sentence-sunday-on-dieselpunks

4 comments:

  1. It looks like my problem with spam might be solved. Let's try to catch up on a few comments :-)

    This sounds like a choppy snippets, as if you're trying to pin down ideas rather than really writing the scene. But I like the action. I think if you can make it smoother and maybe give more of a spotlight to the 'earthquake' it will be fantastic.

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  2. Yes, more emphasis on the 'earthquake' will make it better.

    I'm happy you were able to fix your problem. There hasn't been anything in my spam filter on this blog.

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  3. Well, I liked them, Alice. I prefer the first one out of the two.

    In an argument for the defence, it could be that the train station is out of town and so the ground did only shake. I've experienced two earthquakes (one in Korea and one in Japan). The one in Japan was quite strong, but where I was at the time, I barely noticed it being nothing more a slight rumble in the ground. Perhaps the next scene reveals the devastation...

    I don't know anything about the sentences before these eight or the sentences after these eight. In my opinion, quite a few of these '8 Sentence..." snippets suffer from this uncertainty (I've seen that with some of Sarah's too). I enjoy reading them (which is why I am here now), but I find it hard to really critique an obvious work in progress that is so short and random.

    Just my opinion. I don't do these shorts myself (other than poetry), so what do I know?

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  4. Yes, pulling 8 sentences out of work in progress does seem foolish to critique them. It has helped me look at details that I might pass over in an overall edit. And, in looking at others, it helps me see my own mistakes better.

    In the case with these snippets, I get to look at a project that is waiting in the wings to be edited and formulate what sections really need a full rewrite.

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